Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
