someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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