I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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