Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I party with great urgency now.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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