there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
