I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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