how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize