i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
