if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
