ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
