i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
