I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
