he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They are going to name an STD after you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
