I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize