Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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