I'm going to jail i love you
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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