I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
