I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
