I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
