My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
