Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
