I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I wish I only lived at night.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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