How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize