never play flip cup with pint glasses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
