Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
