I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
