so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
