His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize