All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
please come you make the beer taste better
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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