you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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