so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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