I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
