woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
