So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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