bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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