I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
