does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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