we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
