Pregnant stripper...not hot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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