oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
