idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
