eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
