i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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