Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
