totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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