If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I need a beard to bite.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
