my phone needs a breathalizer
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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