If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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