Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
