I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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