I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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