Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
