I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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