my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
