Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
