seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
she peed on how many people?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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