I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
