i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
