What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
