I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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